Steven Hickman Psy.D
RECAP OF THE March 5, 2005 meeting
By Don Jeffries
Steven Hickman Psy.D is a Staff Psychologist for the Department of Psychiatry Neuropsychiatry & Behavioral Medicine,
UCSD Medical Center in Hillcrest.
I do some different things as a psychologist, things I never thought I would be doing when I went to graduate
school. I knew for sure that I would be working in private practice, and that I would never be working in a hospital,
and that I would rarely be working with patients with a medical illness. I knew that I would never be doing anything
concerned with meditation or yoga. None of those things turned out to be true. So you always want to be careful of
the things that you think you know, they don’t always turn out the way you expect them to.
I am going to write something controversial on the paper, TN == (does not equal suffering) it can apply to anything,
such as pain, anxiety, depression, you may disagree with me—but it is a funny thing, there is this saying, that is
worthy of a ‘T- shirt. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional!When we talk about stress, suffering, what were
really talking about, is it really the anxiety, or our income tax that is producing the stress, or is it doing something
that you don’t really want to do that is causing the stress?Suffering is the result of struggling with ‘what is!’
The suffering is that you have TN, and you don’t want to have TN. The stressful part is having TN, the suffering is
thinking about it.The stress and suffering is not that you have a problem, the suffering is that you can’t do anything
about it or pretend to yourself that you can’t do anything about it. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t unpleasant, or that it
isn’t painful. However, it is about our reaction to the problem.Somewhere along the line, each of has had something
that we have come to terms with, that is how it is going to be and we can’t change it. At that point, usually the
suffering subsides, it may still be annoying, but we accept it.Those things that are real, or fact, we accept and move
on with our life.
The problem is that we do not want to accept the facts, or certain realities including TN. I don’t mean that in terms of
having it. Sometimes we experience IT or we experience the symptoms of it and want it to go away. I am not saying
you shouldn’t want it to go away. I am just suggesting that if you are able to rest in the awareness of the reality of
this moment after it unfolds in this exact moment you have pain and it is here and it is there, and it is this strong,
that is all you ever have to deal with in terms of diagnosis of the pain.The problem at any given moment that’s not
what were dealing with most of the time, because our minds are incredibly active, at any given time our minds go
from one thing to another, it is almost impossible to concentrate on only one thing. Sometimes you want your mind to
wonder, at other times you don’t want it to but it does anyway. Remember there is only one moment in your life and
it is THIS one, the one you are in NOW.When we feel a symptom, a twinge of pain, a flutter of the heart, we have a
thought, and immediately its takes us off on—how long we have had this illness or problem, when did it first come on,
is it ever going to stop, what is going to mean to my relationships, to my family, how long can I put with this, the Drs.
Visits, the hopes, the plans, the plans and a dozen other thing.These are things that are important in our lives right
now, but do we want them to rule us? We can choose our thoughts. We can choose how we feel about these things
that are ruling our lives at this time.
Sometimes our mind makes our life miserable, it doesn’t do it consciously, but that is what our mind does. It serves a
purpose to at times allow our mind to work on auto pilot to get things done that need to be done.Suffering comes
from three things: 1. Holding on too tightly. 2. Pushing things away.
3. Pretending it is not there, denial. One of these three things is always there when you are suffering.
So what are the alternatives?
Acceptance sometimes when people hear the word acceptance, they hear the word SURRENDER, giving up,
helplessness.Fight or flight We are programmed like all animals when we are threatened, fight or flight to preserve
us. This comes from thousands of years of living in the jungles/caves etc.Freeze—play dead, do absolutely nothing.
Hoping the problem will just go away!We can engage it, fight it, or we can run from it.
Our bodies just know threat and it cannot distinguish between the two without our minds being involved. There are
many things that happen to your body during this time. Blood goes to the center core, heart rate increases, muscles
become tense, and the digestive system shuts down except to create sugar for energy. Fortunately in today’s society
we don’t usually have those types of activities that force us into fight or flight.Consequently the stress causes other
types of problems if we don’t know how to work off the stress. When we don’t handle stress or learn to take care of
it or work it off some way it leads to hypertension, ulcers, irritable bowels, firbromyalgia, and crone’s disease.
In addition to having the above physiological problems which are problems related to the stress, so how do we deal
with the above? We drink, take drugs, we become workaholics, do stupid things, all sorts of things that are not really
useful. And, then these things put us in divorces, DUI’s, jail, and then these become stresses.You don’t have to react,
you can respond. Look at things in a whole different way. Think OUTSIDE the box.Reaction is the suffering; the
response is the way out of the suffering. Some choose to suffer rather than seek a solution, for whatever reason----
fear, anxiety, what could happen. What one has to do is define the problem clearly.
I have TN, now what can I do about it? What is the best solution for my spouse, my family, and me! How would I look
at this problem if it were my child that had TN? It is not about the reality of the situation, but about how you go about
solving the problem. It is not about how much suffering you can take; it’s how you deal with the suffering.Sometimes
the solution you choose doesn’t work, move on to another hope! Accept what is and move on. Don’t lay in bed and
give up, not running, biking or walking, or whatever. Just give up, accept what you have. Instead of just acceptance;
you take control, you make a choice. Confront your fears/anxiety. Nothing in life is 100% not even taxes, only death.
Remember ‘thoughts are not FACTS’.
Try to relate differently to you thoughts. Don’t believe everything you think!Anxiety—we usually over estimate the
bad of something. How bad can it actually be? Talking about it is fine, DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT IS BETTER.
Awareness, simple to think about, but difficult to do. Rest in awareness, in pain you are aware, but somewhere there
is NO pain.
Fight with your pain, can you accept it and dance with it. You have a choice to accept pain in any way you choose, or,
there are options to try to stop the pain.
Something about everything you have, we all have what we need to cope. We just have to learn to use what we
have.
Think out side the box! Remember for most of us the box is in our own MIND!
Return to Home Page
By Don Jeffries
Steven Hickman Psy.D is a Staff Psychologist for the Department of Psychiatry Neuropsychiatry & Behavioral Medicine,
UCSD Medical Center in Hillcrest.
I do some different things as a psychologist, things I never thought I would be doing when I went to graduate
school. I knew for sure that I would be working in private practice, and that I would never be working in a hospital,
and that I would rarely be working with patients with a medical illness. I knew that I would never be doing anything
concerned with meditation or yoga. None of those things turned out to be true. So you always want to be careful of
the things that you think you know, they don’t always turn out the way you expect them to.
I am going to write something controversial on the paper, TN == (does not equal suffering) it can apply to anything,
such as pain, anxiety, depression, you may disagree with me—but it is a funny thing, there is this saying, that is
worthy of a ‘T- shirt. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional!When we talk about stress, suffering, what were
really talking about, is it really the anxiety, or our income tax that is producing the stress, or is it doing something
that you don’t really want to do that is causing the stress?Suffering is the result of struggling with ‘what is!’
The suffering is that you have TN, and you don’t want to have TN. The stressful part is having TN, the suffering is
thinking about it.The stress and suffering is not that you have a problem, the suffering is that you can’t do anything
about it or pretend to yourself that you can’t do anything about it. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t unpleasant, or that it
isn’t painful. However, it is about our reaction to the problem.Somewhere along the line, each of has had something
that we have come to terms with, that is how it is going to be and we can’t change it. At that point, usually the
suffering subsides, it may still be annoying, but we accept it.Those things that are real, or fact, we accept and move
on with our life.
The problem is that we do not want to accept the facts, or certain realities including TN. I don’t mean that in terms of
having it. Sometimes we experience IT or we experience the symptoms of it and want it to go away. I am not saying
you shouldn’t want it to go away. I am just suggesting that if you are able to rest in the awareness of the reality of
this moment after it unfolds in this exact moment you have pain and it is here and it is there, and it is this strong,
that is all you ever have to deal with in terms of diagnosis of the pain.The problem at any given moment that’s not
what were dealing with most of the time, because our minds are incredibly active, at any given time our minds go
from one thing to another, it is almost impossible to concentrate on only one thing. Sometimes you want your mind to
wonder, at other times you don’t want it to but it does anyway. Remember there is only one moment in your life and
it is THIS one, the one you are in NOW.When we feel a symptom, a twinge of pain, a flutter of the heart, we have a
thought, and immediately its takes us off on—how long we have had this illness or problem, when did it first come on,
is it ever going to stop, what is going to mean to my relationships, to my family, how long can I put with this, the Drs.
Visits, the hopes, the plans, the plans and a dozen other thing.These are things that are important in our lives right
now, but do we want them to rule us? We can choose our thoughts. We can choose how we feel about these things
that are ruling our lives at this time.
Sometimes our mind makes our life miserable, it doesn’t do it consciously, but that is what our mind does. It serves a
purpose to at times allow our mind to work on auto pilot to get things done that need to be done.Suffering comes
from three things: 1. Holding on too tightly. 2. Pushing things away.
3. Pretending it is not there, denial. One of these three things is always there when you are suffering.
So what are the alternatives?
Acceptance sometimes when people hear the word acceptance, they hear the word SURRENDER, giving up,
helplessness.Fight or flight We are programmed like all animals when we are threatened, fight or flight to preserve
us. This comes from thousands of years of living in the jungles/caves etc.Freeze—play dead, do absolutely nothing.
Hoping the problem will just go away!We can engage it, fight it, or we can run from it.
Our bodies just know threat and it cannot distinguish between the two without our minds being involved. There are
many things that happen to your body during this time. Blood goes to the center core, heart rate increases, muscles
become tense, and the digestive system shuts down except to create sugar for energy. Fortunately in today’s society
we don’t usually have those types of activities that force us into fight or flight.Consequently the stress causes other
types of problems if we don’t know how to work off the stress. When we don’t handle stress or learn to take care of
it or work it off some way it leads to hypertension, ulcers, irritable bowels, firbromyalgia, and crone’s disease.
In addition to having the above physiological problems which are problems related to the stress, so how do we deal
with the above? We drink, take drugs, we become workaholics, do stupid things, all sorts of things that are not really
useful. And, then these things put us in divorces, DUI’s, jail, and then these become stresses.You don’t have to react,
you can respond. Look at things in a whole different way. Think OUTSIDE the box.Reaction is the suffering; the
response is the way out of the suffering. Some choose to suffer rather than seek a solution, for whatever reason----
fear, anxiety, what could happen. What one has to do is define the problem clearly.
I have TN, now what can I do about it? What is the best solution for my spouse, my family, and me! How would I look
at this problem if it were my child that had TN? It is not about the reality of the situation, but about how you go about
solving the problem. It is not about how much suffering you can take; it’s how you deal with the suffering.Sometimes
the solution you choose doesn’t work, move on to another hope! Accept what is and move on. Don’t lay in bed and
give up, not running, biking or walking, or whatever. Just give up, accept what you have. Instead of just acceptance;
you take control, you make a choice. Confront your fears/anxiety. Nothing in life is 100% not even taxes, only death.
Remember ‘thoughts are not FACTS’.
Try to relate differently to you thoughts. Don’t believe everything you think!Anxiety—we usually over estimate the
bad of something. How bad can it actually be? Talking about it is fine, DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT IS BETTER.
Awareness, simple to think about, but difficult to do. Rest in awareness, in pain you are aware, but somewhere there
is NO pain.
Fight with your pain, can you accept it and dance with it. You have a choice to accept pain in any way you choose, or,
there are options to try to stop the pain.
Something about everything you have, we all have what we need to cope. We just have to learn to use what we
have.
Think out side the box! Remember for most of us the box is in our own MIND!
Return to Home Page
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